I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
