life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
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