Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
