the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
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I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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