Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
