I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
