if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
