So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
