Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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