dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
There are leaves in my underwear?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
