I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
