Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
it was like eating out sand paper
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I AM VODKA MAN
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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