We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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