I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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