she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
