The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
