We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
