Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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