I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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