I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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