My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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