remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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