The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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