I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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