she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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