I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
