Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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