Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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