My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
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i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
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You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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