my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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