kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
