They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
