I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
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guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
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I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend