last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups