this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.