I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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