I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We got so high we made milksteak
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
