Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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