I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
