That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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