She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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