Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
