today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
