I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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