I CAN MOONWALK!
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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