i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
