I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
