Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He felt like a one man threesome
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
