Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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