There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
