I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
