In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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