i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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