Cold hands, warm shart.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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