Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I want her autograph on my taint
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
