my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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