rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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