Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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